Sugar Shock

I haven’t had a lot to say lately, I can’t keep up momentum and it’s frustrating. That TOM comes along and knocks me over. I don’t even get all the problems most women get but I do get bloated and tired. Anyway…

My seven year anniversary is on Sunday with this man here and I came across this picture from our honeymoon in RI almost 2 years ago (we had a mini-honeymoon and a big honeymoon because we’re that special). I remember back then, during the time of our wedding, I thought I looked awful. I thought I was fat and disgusting and really hated myself.

Now I see this picture and wow, I looked pretty damn good. I’m always sad to realize how little I appreciated myself when I was thinner. Not that I was skinny by any means, I was overweight, but at that time I think I carried it pretty well. That’s me there 50-60 lbs overweight.

So I’m trying, hard, to be optimistic and not beat myself up for whatever isn’t in me at the moment. I want to believe someday I will have it in me, to give so much more, but I just don’t yet but I keep trying. Is it my out-of-whack hormones? Is it just seasonal? Is it depression? Maybe all, I don’t know but I do know that feeling bad doesn’t help me.

Also, as I’ve said a million times, my husband and I are dealing with a lot right now and it’s about it get much worse. I am so lucky to have him, he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He’s always beside me, no matter how bad it gets and I try really hard to do the same for him. Even more miraculously he thinks I’m beautiful even at my worst and every woman should have that in her corner.

With our financial situation right now we’re cutting back a lot. I’m not renewing my gym membership and we may need to cut down our cable even more. I fear more than anything giving up my DVR, I wouldn’t know how to live without it. Luckily to get exercise, if you’re creative, you don’t really need to spend much money. I use dvds and when it’s nicer out I will go back to walking/riding my bike.

Food on the other hand is tricky, in order to eat well you really need to spend some money. It all depends on how desperate we get but at the same time I still don’t need to over-eat and that will continue to be a main focus for me.

On the bright side I think I ate pretty well yesterday and did some toning. Actually I probably could have eating a little bit more.

ps. It’s really hard to force yourself to figure out your portions when you come home really hungry, therefore I really need to keep some snacks at work.'

Have a great weekend!

I commented with this on Diane’s blog post yesterday about having patience and getting ready for the long road to getting healthy:

I think I am ok with a long trip once I figure out what I need to pack and where I am going and how I am getting there. Haven't figured that out yet.

For me, still, I am so unsure of it all and still so doubtful, which is part of why I am in therapy. But I try to come here to sort through my own feelings and your blogs are always helpful. I know when I do finally find my direction and figure what is best for me I will need to work on having patience and taking it moment to moment.

This is yesterday’s food choices, not too bad considering I lowered my calorie goal by 200 calories. I wanted to workout but the new medication I am on is giving me really bad headaches. My therapist keeps bringing up whether I am sabotaging myself or if life is doing it for me. I don’t know, I think it’s a mixture of both.

It occurred to me though, I’ve been with my therapist for almost 5 years now I think, on and off of course. That’s pretty amazing, she’s the best therapist I’ve ever had and I’ve come such a long way since I first started seeing her.

I must focus on the good things, because I fear I have even reached the rockiest roads yet…