Proof
I know I said I wanted to prove to myself that I could go white water rafting but even more so I wanted to prove that I hadn't given up on myself. I feel hopeless so much of the time, I feel trapped inside this body that feels more like a 65 year old than a 31 year old.
On a day-to-day basis I feel mostly like an embarrassment to everyone around me, which is why my social anxiety has been so much worse the last few years. I just find that avoiding most situations is easier than beating myself up afterwards for making an ass of myself.
I quite nearly backed out of white water rafting several times, not so much because I was scared but because I thought I would hold everyone back and make a fool of myself. I quite nearly stayed back then I decided I would hate myself so much more if I never did it. I decided I had to do this for myself, to show myself I had hope.
So I did it, I was terrified at first but after the first rapids (did I mention they were class 5?) I felt better, if I could get through those I could get through all the others. I made it through the whole day. I never fell out of the raft and I never lost my paddle. The sense of accomplishment was coursing through my veins.
There was something real still inside of me, something I thought I'd lost forever. I'm still not sure how to heal myself, to find my strength, but at least I know it's there.
*hug*
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Robin Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 9:11 am
thanks girl.
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Robin, I know exactly the sort of feelings you must go through when trying to tackle something new, convincing yourself to do it, hating yourself if you don’t, being afraid of looking foolish if you do…so I’m so proud of you for getting out there and doing it! Good for you!
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Robin Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 9:11 am
thank you, i’m proud of myself too which is a big step.
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Barb Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
It is a big step, and you should be proud! (((hugs)))
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I struggle with the same thing every day. Even when i go to the grocery store. I struggle with anxiety and no matter the situation it happens. I’ve had to throw out what everyone else thinks and go by the beat of my own drum…so to day. Do what i want because i want to and…also stop doing the things i hate…ect. It’s seriously rejuvenating. I had the opportunity to go river rafting this weekend and babysitters fell thru. It will happen.
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Robin Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 9:13 am
I can’t wait to hear how it is when you go, I recommend it to everyone. I am trying really hard to ignore everyone elses opinions and suggestions and follow what is right for me, it’s hard though because I’m trying to have faith in myself.
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I relate to some of what you said about your relationship with your Mom. I had a great Mom but I did not know it, while she was alive. I saw the negatives in her because I had those negatives in me but I never saw the good in her, in myself and she had so much good.
I wasted too much time feeling rejected and I now am so much smarter because I realize that was simply negative behavior which only hurt me. When that time came when I realized that I was just fine and my mother had not crippled me, I was free and I remain free.
Now, I can see all the wonderful parts of my mother but unfortunately, I did not recognize this when she was alive. Do me a favor, don’t let that happen to you, if it is possible.
Gee, I don’t know what got into me to write all this. You must have really reached me. Good luck to you.
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Robin Reply:
August 21st, 2009 at 7:33 am
I don’t think I ever said anything negative about her as a person and I don’t dislike her because of her health problems I just worry for her and myself. She’s a great person, very nice, funny and intelligent. Her problem is she doesn’t want to see her health issues or deal with them, it scrares me.
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