Sugar Shock

If you don't have confidence, you'll always find a way not to win. ~Carl Lewis

I think, for a long time I was cherrishing pain. I held onto it, coddled it, and surrounded myself by it. I couldn't understand or grasp anything other than hurt and sorrow. It was quite nearly who I was, a smile was a foreign concept.

I've been so negative for such a long time, particularly towards myself, that I have to consciously remove the bad thoughts every day all day long. My husband gets so sad when I say bad things about myself but I tell him that is only a small percentage of what is actually going on in my head.

Everyday I try to push myself just a little bit, not too hard so I rebel but just enough so I feel a little bit better, to prove to myself that I have something more in me than it seems at that moment. Sometimes it's focusing on a specific kind of food (ie. vegetarian, extra protein, etc.) and sometimes it's just a little extra exercise than I think I can manage.

The past week we've been going for bike rides in our neighborhood. It's a struggle physically because I am so out of shape but it's also a struggle emotionally because my poor husband has to keep waiting for me to catch my breath. He's great though, he doesn't mind he's just happy to be along for the ride with me.

So I have a few mini-goals that I am going to focus on. One of them is to ride up my street and back (that is about a mile, with a few hills) without having to stop. I know I can do this, I will do this. Luckily it seems exercise is kind of like childbirth, somehow you seem to be able to forget just how hard it was until the next time or so I've been told...