It’s Sabotage
So therapy was so wonderful last night, as I often feel after going to the gym I wonder why did I stop doing this? I have a great therapist and it took me years to find the right one. I was amazed how much she remembered, the little things, after years of not seeing her. She even brought up something I'd forgotten.
The most interesting part of the meeting was after I talked about how I used to go to the gym working on the Couch to 5k and was doing really well but I lost my stride. About how I was riding my bike every other day and I lost my stride. About how I was eating so well but something got in the way.
She pointed out that whenever I am doing well I tend to sabotage myself, that maybe I am afraid of my own success. This was one of those "aha" moments. Suddenly I started thinking back to all the times where my husband has asked why I don't believe in myself more, why I don't try for more.
Like with my photography, I turn a lot of stuff down because I don't think I'm good enough. Granted, it's a little different when it's something you really need experience and education, which I don't really have. But the moment I think that maybe this could be something really big I pull away. I always thought it was failure I was afraid of but maybe it's success.
When I told my husband about this he was silent and then responded with his own "aha." He always wishes I could have the faith in myself that he has in me. If I don't ever try nobody will ever expect anything from me and I won't let anyone down.
Where do I go from this? Who knows, it's only the first step. That first "aha" though, was very eye opening. Now that my eyes are open maybe the journey won't seem quite so bleak.
Ironically, we didn't even get to the whole OCD thing. Sometimes I think I should bring notes with me and write notes while I'm there.
I always tell people never to underestimate the importance of those “aha” moments. They are something you can fall back on when times get tough.
I’m so glad you reconnected with your therapist. Self sabatoge is a huge issue, and one that I have dealt with in my own life. Your hubby sounds wonderful!
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Robin Reply:
October 7th, 2009 at 9:39 am
@Diane Fit to the Finish, i really love aha moments, it’s like someone finally let me in on a secret.
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Aha! We really do have a lot in common. I had the revelation recently about sabotaging my efforts. I’ve had varying degrees of success in my personal goals, career, and recovery; but apparently, I can’t seem to handle that success. Or maybe I’ve become used to feeling like such a “loser” these last couple of years that failure seems more comfortable.
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Robin Reply:
October 7th, 2009 at 9:39 am
@Barb, that all resonates so much with me *hugs*
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