The Right Way
In my entire life I have only ever lost weight the wrong way. Either by starving myself or by diet pills. Even when I was at my thinnest I was so unhealthy about it that it was bound to turn on me eventually.
I lost weight the first time as a teenager after my first breakup, I went from 160 to about 115 in only a few months. I rarely ate and got very sick.
By the time of my next boyfriend I was so obsessed with eating that it corroded our relationship. I was taking up to about 8 diet pills a day and I was a miserable person to be around. Take your worst day of PMS and multiply it by 10, that was how awful I was.
I went off to college and I started to find pieces of happiness again but I still was holding onto my old destructiveness. Eventually the destruction slipped through my fingers like water and I gained weight back, eventually back to where I started from.
I lost weight again because of depression. I never ate and stayed in my room by myself.
I gained weight again after college.
It went back and forth but the weight loss was never from actually taking care of myself or treating myself well. I always lost weight because I tortured myself or punished myself into it.
I don't have faith yet that I can lose weight the right way but I want to have faith that I can. One of my goals is to realize I do have this ability.
I think that you are really brave to share these sides of yourself. Losing weight is so much more than just pounds lost. I know that you said you don’t have faith that you can do it the right way, but it sounds like you have the desire to do it the right way. That’s a huge step in the right direction.
Take care,
Diane
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Robin Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 3:28 pm
@Diane Fit to the Finish, thank you. I’m good at sharing, not always so good at the DOING.
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What a rollercoaster journey. What a struggle. It was like you were in a no-win situation because you were being destructive to your body when you were heavy and thin both. I don’t know you that well, but from what I do know, I think you DO have the ability to do it the right way…actually, I tend to think that everyone has the ability and it’s just whether or not they make the choice to or not. I don’t know if that makes sense or not.
Thanks for adding me to your blogroll
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Robin Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 3:29 pm
@Josie, it’s one thing to get out of a destructive relationship with someone else, it’s another thing getting out of one with yourself.
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I know you have that ability. Most people do. But like you said, it’s the realization that’s the tough part.
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Robin Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 3:29 pm
@Barb, I’m not sure, I’ve realized many things and that’s about it so far. Here’s hoping!
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No doubt you possess this ability, be patient and you will find that balance you are seeking. Baby steps!
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Robin Reply:
October 21st, 2009 at 3:31 pm
@Jess (Fit Chick in the City), patient is not a natural quality of mine, can you tell?
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