Sugar Shock

If you don't have confidence, you'll always find a way not to win. ~Carl Lewis

I think, for a long time I was cherrishing pain. I held onto it, coddled it, and surrounded myself by it. I couldn't understand or grasp anything other than hurt and sorrow. It was quite nearly who I was, a smile was a foreign concept.

I've been so negative for such a long time, particularly towards myself, that I have to consciously remove the bad thoughts every day all day long. My husband gets so sad when I say bad things about myself but I tell him that is only a small percentage of what is actually going on in my head.

Everyday I try to push myself just a little bit, not too hard so I rebel but just enough so I feel a little bit better, to prove to myself that I have something more in me than it seems at that moment. Sometimes it's focusing on a specific kind of food (ie. vegetarian, extra protein, etc.) and sometimes it's just a little extra exercise than I think I can manage.

The past week we've been going for bike rides in our neighborhood. It's a struggle physically because I am so out of shape but it's also a struggle emotionally because my poor husband has to keep waiting for me to catch my breath. He's great though, he doesn't mind he's just happy to be along for the ride with me.

So I have a few mini-goals that I am going to focus on. One of them is to ride up my street and back (that is about a mile, with a few hills) without having to stop. I know I can do this, I will do this. Luckily it seems exercise is kind of like childbirth, somehow you seem to be able to forget just how hard it was until the next time or so I've been told...

One of my biggest issues and has been since forever is that I eat too fast. I don't know how to eat slower, quite honestly it is how I was raised. My mother eats so fast and recently I noticed my brother eats even faster than I do, his girlfriend even commented on it.

Here are a list of reasons to eat slower but I've always known why I should, the trick is how to. I know I eat slower when I'm talking more so maybe I need to talk more.

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I had a productive Saturday but I have a very unproductive Sunday. I have no energy today and I had less energy on Sunday. I would really love an energy pill, oh wait, that's speed, nevermind.

I really don't have the brain power to write more today.

Am I really willing to take the steps I need to in order to be healthier? Am I willing to get exercise several times a week? Am I willing to say no to the extra bread on the table? Not quite but I am getting there. I focus hard on getting protein and not going to Dunkin Donuts to get a bagel with cream cheese. I have to at least once a week get myself an Iced Vanilla Latte at Starbucks, I need just one. I'm trying to get less and less syrup in it everytime though. I'm keeping busy most weekends, this is a huge plus in my life as I think I spent most of last summer hiding away, same with the summer before that. Today I go to Rockport and will be wandering around taking photos. Last night, I admit I had a brownie. Yes, a gooey fudging delicious brownie. I decided I needed one and I figured it was time for me to learn to have ONE and that was it, that was my goal for that moment. So we made brownies. I enjoyed ONE brownie. Then we cut them up, wrapped each one in saran wrap and put them in the freezer. I'm contemplating bringing the rest to work, that's the last part of the goal for me. Have a good day!