It's obvious to myself I am backed up against a wall and I need to make BIG changes. I keep saying this, one day it will stick. Soon. My metabolism is non-existent so I can't just make little changes I have to change everything.

I feel like nothing I do makes a difference, this feeling holds me down.

Lately I'm making more smoothies and am trying Almond milk. I'm bringing more salads to work. We've been grilling a lot at home lately and making more food for dinner.

I'm not working out much, or not nearly enough. I feel so dragged down, like I'm being pulled down or someone is sitting on me. I feel if the food I eat is helping me more than hurting me I'll have more energy.

I'm meeting with another doctor soon, a weight specialist who I hope can lead me in the right direction. I really need someone to help me figure out from the foods I like what I can eat. I hate fake sugar and try to avoid it.

So do you have food/snack ideas or recipes? I'd appreciate the help.

If you want to say hi you can find me at these locations:

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I haven’t had a lot to say lately, I can’t keep up momentum and it’s frustrating. That TOM comes along and knocks me over. I don’t even get all the problems most women get but I do get bloated and tired. Anyway…

My seven year anniversary is on Sunday with this man here and I came across this picture from our honeymoon in RI almost 2 years ago (we had a mini-honeymoon and a big honeymoon because we’re that special). I remember back then, during the time of our wedding, I thought I looked awful. I thought I was fat and disgusting and really hated myself.

Now I see this picture and wow, I looked pretty damn good. I’m always sad to realize how little I appreciated myself when I was thinner. Not that I was skinny by any means, I was overweight, but at that time I think I carried it pretty well. That’s me there 50-60 lbs overweight.

So I’m trying, hard, to be optimistic and not beat myself up for whatever isn’t in me at the moment. I want to believe someday I will have it in me, to give so much more, but I just don’t yet but I keep trying. Is it my out-of-whack hormones? Is it just seasonal? Is it depression? Maybe all, I don’t know but I do know that feeling bad doesn’t help me.

Also, as I’ve said a million times, my husband and I are dealing with a lot right now and it’s about it get much worse. I am so lucky to have him, he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He’s always beside me, no matter how bad it gets and I try really hard to do the same for him. Even more miraculously he thinks I’m beautiful even at my worst and every woman should have that in her corner.

Food on the other hand is tricky, in order to eat well you really need to spend some money. It all depends on how desperate we get but at the same time I still don’t need to over-eat and that will continue to be a main focus for me.

On the bright side I think I ate pretty well yesterday and did some toning. Actually I probably could have eating a little bit more.

ps. It’s really hard to force yourself to figure out your portions when you come home really hungry, therefore I really need to keep some snacks at work.'

Have a great weekend!

I think I am ok with a long trip once I figure out what I need to pack and where I am going and how I am getting there. Haven't figured that out yet.

For me, still, I am so unsure of it all and still so doubtful, which is part of why I am in therapy. But I try to come here to sort through my own feelings and your blogs are always helpful. I know when I do finally find my direction and figure what is best for me I will need to work on having patience and taking it moment to moment.

This is yesterday’s food choices, not too bad considering I lowered my calorie goal by 200 calories. I wanted to workout but the new medication I am on is giving me really bad headaches. My therapist keeps bringing up whether I am sabotaging myself or if life is doing it for me. I don’t know, I think it’s a mixture of both.

It occurred to me though, I’ve been with my therapist for almost 5 years now I think, on and off of course. That’s pretty amazing, she’s the best therapist I’ve ever had and I’ve come such a long way since I first started seeing her.

I must focus on the good things, because I fear I have even reached the rockiest roads yet…

I kept assuming all my problems were from my weight and I assume some are but what really annoyed me was that I haven’t been able to budge my weight in about 5 years, no matter what I’ve done. This is the kind of thing that just makes you lose hope but now that things are starting to make some sense I feel hopeful again.

Here are some of the symptoms (the ones highlighted I have):

I am gaining weight inappropriately
I'm unable to lose weight with diet/exercise
I have hypothermia/low body temperature (I feel cold when others feel hot, I need extra sweaters, etc.) 
I feel fatigued, exhausted
Feeling run down, sluggish, lethargic
My hair is coarse and dry, breaking, brittle, falling out
My skin is coarse, dry, scaly, and thick
I have a hoarse or gravely voice
I have puffiness and swelling around the eyes and face
I have pains, aches in joints, hands and feet
I have developed carpal-tunnel syndrome, or it's getting worse
I am having irregular menstrual cycles (longer, or heavier, or more frequent) 
I am having trouble conceiving a baby
I feel depressed
I feel restless
My moods change easily
I have feelings of worthlessness 
I have difficulty concentrating 
I have more feelings of sadness 
I seem to be losing interest in normal daily activities 
I'm more forgetful lately
My hair is falling out
I can't seem to remember things
I am getting more frequent infections, that last longer
I'm snoring more lately 
I have/may have sleep apnea
I feel shortness of breath and tightness in the chest 
I feel the need to yawn to get oxygen 
My eyes feel gritty and dry
My eyes feel sensitive to light 
My eyes get jumpy/tics in eyes, which makes me dizzy/vertigo and have headaches
I have strange feelings in neck or throat 
I have tinnitus (ringing in ears)
I get recurrent sinus infections 
I have vertigo
I feel some lightheadedness
I have severe menstrual cramps

I am starting new medication this weekend, that I hope will help. I hope this isn’t just another medical problem I have to add to all the others that really can’t be repaired. I ordered a book from the library to help me understand it all.

I am still working out and still logging my food.

Onward and upward.

I miss going for a bike ride or a brisk walk down my street after work or on a weekend afternoon. What is it about the winter that makes you never want to leave the house? Maybe it’s because you have to bundle up before you even open the door or maybe it’s that you have to think about every step you take so you don’t slip on ice? There are so many reasons to give up in the winter and I’m trying really hard not to let the winter win this year.

I have a few DVDs I’m working with but none are really fitting me how I’d like but I don’t know what it is I want. I have a bunch of the 10 Minute Workout videos and I do like them. I mean I love the idea of having them in 10 minute increments depending on my energy that day how much I do. I was disappointed to find out that the two dance videos I got I was having too much trouble keeping up with the moves and dancing used to be my thing. When did I become a 45 year old 31 year old?

My 32nd birthday is approaching. In fact, it’s exactly 1 month from today. I need a goal but I don’t trust myself to complete it. I want to for the next 30 days workout every single day, even if for just 10 minutes. I want to prove to myself I’m still really young and haven’t given up.

ps. Any good workout videos you can recommend that are fun but not so hard that they will make me throw up my hands in the air in defeat?

• One trip to the gym could keep you from gaining some weight.
• One trip to the gym could give you some extra energy.
• One trip to the gym could keep you from overeating that one night.
• One trip to the gym could put you in a better mood.
• One trip to the gym could remind you how strong you are.
• One trip to the gym could give you some extra confidence.

These are the reasons I try to remind myself of when I’m driving home from work and all I want to do is get into my pjs and zone out the entire world. Sometimes they work sometimes they don’t. With the bitter cold temperatures and the snow covered ground it’s been harder than usual.

I haven’t died or crawled under a rock. I’m hanging in there, which is the same I’ve said for a while now. I wish I had someone to pull me out of whatever I’m in or just make things a little easier so I can pull myself out.

There is nothing I can tell you that is different right now but I’m still kicking, know that. I’m going to therapy, working on myself and have actually sold some of my photography. I’m just, managing right now and trying not to fall completely off the tracks.

I miss having daylight when I get home, it changes my entire attitude. I want to go for walks and bike rides and this is not something I want to do when it’s pitch black, 20 degrees and there is ice on the ground.

I am just complaining, it’s all I have when it comes to my health and well-being. I will be back, just taking some time off. Once I feel inspired again and on the right track I’ll be back, it could be tomorrow or it could be a month from now. I hope you’ll all still be around, you are all constant inspiration.

<3

An average day…

Breakfast:

Wheat English muffin with either natural pb & a little jelly or egg and a slice of cheese (w/the english muffin).

Snack:

I rarely eat snacks, I think because I can’t find any that I really really like.

Water:

I’m horrible with water, in fact, should really go get my water out of the freezer.

Lunch:

A frozen lunch, a sandwich on wheat bread or maybe something from the cafeteria.

Dinner:

A frozen parmesan stuffed chicken with healthy pasta and sauce or maybe a hamburger.

Dessert:

I often pick one thing to have for a sweet at night, maybe a small ice cream sandwich. The last week or so I haven’t had any dessert.

That is an “average” day. Once and a while I get something from the vending machine. Sometimes I get takeout for dinner, either a salad or when I’m really hungry a hamburger with french fries. Sometimes it’s pizza.

I rarely go overboard. My biggest problem is bagels w/cream cheese, and I get those only once, maybe twice a week.

PS. The doctor stuff is not over, some things have come up lately that I’m sure are nothing but of course they have to be looked into. I hate little nothing symptoms that could be something so you have to have them checked out.