It's obvious to myself I am backed up against a wall and I need to make BIG changes. I keep saying this, one day it will stick. Soon. My metabolism is non-existent so I can't just make little changes I have to change everything.

I feel like nothing I do makes a difference, this feeling holds me down.

Lately I'm making more smoothies and am trying Almond milk. I'm bringing more salads to work. We've been grilling a lot at home lately and making more food for dinner.

I'm not working out much, or not nearly enough. I feel so dragged down, like I'm being pulled down or someone is sitting on me. I feel if the food I eat is helping me more than hurting me I'll have more energy.

I'm meeting with another doctor soon, a weight specialist who I hope can lead me in the right direction. I really need someone to help me figure out from the foods I like what I can eat. I hate fake sugar and try to avoid it.

So do you have food/snack ideas or recipes? I'd appreciate the help.

If you want to say hi you can find me at these locations:

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I haven’t had a lot to say lately, I can’t keep up momentum and it’s frustrating. That TOM comes along and knocks me over. I don’t even get all the problems most women get but I do get bloated and tired. Anyway…

My seven year anniversary is on Sunday with this man here and I came across this picture from our honeymoon in RI almost 2 years ago (we had a mini-honeymoon and a big honeymoon because we’re that special). I remember back then, during the time of our wedding, I thought I looked awful. I thought I was fat and disgusting and really hated myself.

Now I see this picture and wow, I looked pretty damn good. I’m always sad to realize how little I appreciated myself when I was thinner. Not that I was skinny by any means, I was overweight, but at that time I think I carried it pretty well. That’s me there 50-60 lbs overweight.

So I’m trying, hard, to be optimistic and not beat myself up for whatever isn’t in me at the moment. I want to believe someday I will have it in me, to give so much more, but I just don’t yet but I keep trying. Is it my out-of-whack hormones? Is it just seasonal? Is it depression? Maybe all, I don’t know but I do know that feeling bad doesn’t help me.

Also, as I’ve said a million times, my husband and I are dealing with a lot right now and it’s about it get much worse. I am so lucky to have him, he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He’s always beside me, no matter how bad it gets and I try really hard to do the same for him. Even more miraculously he thinks I’m beautiful even at my worst and every woman should have that in her corner.

Food on the other hand is tricky, in order to eat well you really need to spend some money. It all depends on how desperate we get but at the same time I still don’t need to over-eat and that will continue to be a main focus for me.

On the bright side I think I ate pretty well yesterday and did some toning. Actually I probably could have eating a little bit more.

ps. It’s really hard to force yourself to figure out your portions when you come home really hungry, therefore I really need to keep some snacks at work.'

Have a great weekend!

I think I am ok with a long trip once I figure out what I need to pack and where I am going and how I am getting there. Haven't figured that out yet.

For me, still, I am so unsure of it all and still so doubtful, which is part of why I am in therapy. But I try to come here to sort through my own feelings and your blogs are always helpful. I know when I do finally find my direction and figure what is best for me I will need to work on having patience and taking it moment to moment.

This is yesterday’s food choices, not too bad considering I lowered my calorie goal by 200 calories. I wanted to workout but the new medication I am on is giving me really bad headaches. My therapist keeps bringing up whether I am sabotaging myself or if life is doing it for me. I don’t know, I think it’s a mixture of both.

It occurred to me though, I’ve been with my therapist for almost 5 years now I think, on and off of course. That’s pretty amazing, she’s the best therapist I’ve ever had and I’ve come such a long way since I first started seeing her.

I must focus on the good things, because I fear I have even reached the rockiest roads yet…

I would like to start measuring or using certain containers to help me visualize. I want to start counting the crackers I eat instead of just eating out of the box. Still my main focus right now is exercising and tracking my food.

I’m also changing my daily calorie amount from 1800 to 1600, I don’t know if I’ve made enough changes to do this but we’ll see…

How do you keep track of your portions?

Side Note: You can see all my workouts and food tracking in the sidebar.

So I started doing it again and it’s so much fun. One thing important I find about workout videos is A. you need to not feel like it’s a chore and B. the moves can’t be so complicated that you can’t keep up. This isn’t the case with Turbo Jam, it’s really fun, a really good workout I think and the moves are easy.

I needed something to kick my butt this winter but not something I would get sick of and I hope that Turbo Jam gets the job done.

I kept assuming all my problems were from my weight and I assume some are but what really annoyed me was that I haven’t been able to budge my weight in about 5 years, no matter what I’ve done. This is the kind of thing that just makes you lose hope but now that things are starting to make some sense I feel hopeful again.

Here are some of the symptoms (the ones highlighted I have):

I am gaining weight inappropriately
I'm unable to lose weight with diet/exercise
I have hypothermia/low body temperature (I feel cold when others feel hot, I need extra sweaters, etc.) 
I feel fatigued, exhausted
Feeling run down, sluggish, lethargic
My hair is coarse and dry, breaking, brittle, falling out
My skin is coarse, dry, scaly, and thick
I have a hoarse or gravely voice
I have puffiness and swelling around the eyes and face
I have pains, aches in joints, hands and feet
I have developed carpal-tunnel syndrome, or it's getting worse
I am having irregular menstrual cycles (longer, or heavier, or more frequent) 
I am having trouble conceiving a baby
I feel depressed
I feel restless
My moods change easily
I have feelings of worthlessness 
I have difficulty concentrating 
I have more feelings of sadness 
I seem to be losing interest in normal daily activities 
I'm more forgetful lately
My hair is falling out
I can't seem to remember things
I am getting more frequent infections, that last longer
I'm snoring more lately 
I have/may have sleep apnea
I feel shortness of breath and tightness in the chest 
I feel the need to yawn to get oxygen 
My eyes feel gritty and dry
My eyes feel sensitive to light 
My eyes get jumpy/tics in eyes, which makes me dizzy/vertigo and have headaches
I have strange feelings in neck or throat 
I have tinnitus (ringing in ears)
I get recurrent sinus infections 
I have vertigo
I feel some lightheadedness
I have severe menstrual cramps

I am starting new medication this weekend, that I hope will help. I hope this isn’t just another medical problem I have to add to all the others that really can’t be repaired. I ordered a book from the library to help me understand it all.

I am still working out and still logging my food.

Onward and upward.

(me after a workout, I thought I looked much worse)

So I was chatting with a buddy on Twitter the other day because she said she’d lost 70lbs. I was impressed and asked her what she did differently. Basically she said she cut down on carbohydrates and ate more protein. That’s when I had basically a WTF moment: I do all that already and I gain weight.

For the past year or more I’ve been choosing whole grains about 80% of the time, in fact we only keep whole grains in our house anymore. I gave up soda several years ago, I never even drink diet. In the last year I’ve been eating a lot more protein, I consciously try to include protein in every meal. I know I don’t eat perfect but something just doesn’t add up.

Ok, rant done. Next…

My food from yesterday, overall I guess not too bad but the calories were way higher than I would have thought. I really want to drink less beer, that’s the one thing in our house we tend to be indulgent with. We don’t keep soda in the house or any white bread, we rarely have sweets but we almost always have beer.

I don’t know how true these amounts are since the hamburger I had was from a local grill and I had to guess although I didn’t eat the whole thing, it was just too big. I miss grilling my buffalo burgers outside on the grill, stupid snow ruins everything.

I have been wanting to post a list of what I eat again for a while but everytime either I don’t finish my list in it’s entirety OR I am so ashamed by how bad it looks that I don’t. The problem is, how can I ever learn if I am not honest with every little thing I eat? In fact, as I was posting this I realized I had forgotten my exercise and the beer I had.

I realize the Burger King, Smartfood and Reeses were not good choices. I will say though I have been good about sugary treats lately and this was just a little something I needed. In retrospect, I knew better I should have had 1 reeses not 2.

I got the Burger King because I had to go out to the doctors at lunch to get my blood drawn and it was right next door. It was either that or come back and have a frozen lunch, which is much less appealing.

The Smartfood was one of those instances where I was on my hour plus drive home and bored and hungry. I really need to keep more snacks in the car.

So for better or for worse, here was my food from yesterday.