Sugar Shock

I haven’t died or crawled under a rock. I’m hanging in there, which is the same I’ve said for a while now. I wish I had someone to pull me out of whatever I’m in or just make things a little easier so I can pull myself out.

There is nothing I can tell you that is different right now but I’m still kicking, know that. I’m going to therapy, working on myself and have actually sold some of my photography. I’m just, managing right now and trying not to fall completely off the tracks.

I miss having daylight when I get home, it changes my entire attitude. I want to go for walks and bike rides and this is not something I want to do when it’s pitch black, 20 degrees and there is ice on the ground.

I am just complaining, it’s all I have when it comes to my health and well-being. I will be back, just taking some time off. Once I feel inspired again and on the right track I’ll be back, it could be tomorrow or it could be a month from now. I hope you’ll all still be around, you are all constant inspiration.

<3

So Diane got me thinking about something. One of the reasons I keep going to doctors is because I want answers. I want to know why even though I don’t eat much differently than most people and I’m certainly not sedentary, why can’t I lose weight?? I want someone to either tell me how I am different and what I need to do to change it or what I’m doing wrong. Am I just unwilling to see the real picture?

An average day…

Breakfast:

Wheat English muffin with either natural pb & a little jelly or egg and a slice of cheese (w/the english muffin).

Snack:

I rarely eat snacks, I think because I can’t find any that I really really like.

Water:

I’m horrible with water, in fact, should really go get my water out of the freezer.

Lunch:

A frozen lunch, a sandwich on wheat bread or maybe something from the cafeteria.

Dinner:

A frozen parmesan stuffed chicken with healthy pasta and sauce or maybe a hamburger.

Dessert:

I often pick one thing to have for a sweet at night, maybe a small ice cream sandwich. The last week or so I haven’t had any dessert.

That is an “average” day. Once and a while I get something from the vending machine. Sometimes I get takeout for dinner, either a salad or when I’m really hungry a hamburger with french fries. Sometimes it’s pizza.

I rarely go overboard. My biggest problem is bagels w/cream cheese, and I get those only once, maybe twice a week.

PS. The doctor stuff is not over, some things have come up lately that I’m sure are nothing but of course they have to be looked into. I hate little nothing symptoms that could be something so you have to have them checked out.

There are many reasons why this time of year is probably the worst time of year for me.

1. It starts getting really cold and really dark, and leaving for work when it’s pitch black is just not a healthy way to start off the day.  Plus when I get out of work it’s basically dark too. I need sunlight to grow.
2. The drivers get nastier, I swear. Everyone is tense and on edge, ready to snap. Everyone cuts everyone off and gets seriously aggressive.
3. I’m not a fan of Christmas for many reasons, one of them being that my whole life I felt left out because of it and I just wish I could will it away. But mostly I hate how commercialized it is, it all seems so fake.
4. All of the “stuff” that goes on leading up to the holidays makes my anxiety increase so I regularly have a stomach ache.
5. I get really down on myself because I know I will have to socialize with family and friends, therefore I feel ashamed about how I look.
6. We have never had enough money to really get into the holiday spirit, particularly this year. However Erik and I have just not been the type to do gifts for occasions, we do gifts when it feels right. We would both rather have some personal than something just bought.
7. Because of the cold and how dark it is all the time my energy drops dramatically.

But I did go to the gym last night. Every time I go I try to celebrate that because in itself is an achievement.